Being Unpredictable, a very cool and useful tool I use with my children. Having lots of choices about the way I behave and react to situations allows for lots of fun and surprises when the children ask me for something.    This means they can never tell exactly how I am going to react.. and they can’t manipulate the situation with sulking, greasing, and demanding.  They can try tho’.

A few ways to respond : (Always begin with a one second deep breath…)

• If I am unsure about a decision I have to make I might say “Convince me”.  If they give a measured and thoughtful answer, I may say yes with a few conditions.  (Always have conditions!)
• If they are sulky and demanding, I say “Would you like the opportunity to say that again in a more useful way?” and then they can adjust their state and ask away again.  If they continue to be demanding, sulky and dramatic, I ask them to go to their room, to cool down and come back when they are ready to talk to me in a reasonable way.
• If I don’t think something is a great idea, I may say “Hmmm that one is tricky…”  and then give a good thoughtful answer, saying no in a gentle way, and allowing them to ask again at a better time, age, after exams.. whatever. I find closing doors with big “NO!’s” is not useful and may tempt them into rebelling.
•  Another way is to ask how other parents are responding, what has been organised, what arrangements have been made for parental supervision etc BEFORE making any decisions. They can then go away and find out more so you can make a better decision with more facts. You can always phone a child’s friend’s parents to suss out how they are leaning.. sometimes it’s the first they have heard of it too!
• Do not get into habits of saying “NO!” to everything.  They will then avoid asking, and will probably lie or go behind your back to do what they want to do.  It is better to say “Yes” with some reasonable conditions and then they will be more open with you next time.

Why do I suggest you make some conditions? Conditions are useful boundaries, and set standards of behaviour for them to learn from. Children feel safer with boundaries. And..they can use them as excuses when they don’t want to do something with their friends.

Zoe Wilkinson

One of the most frustrating things I hear about from parents – is the helplessness they feel when confronted with a small child’s challenging behaviour. It may be anything from a 2 year old biting people, a 7 year old sucking their thumb, a child new to school not using the bathroom… the list goes on. 

One of the most helpful, and gentle ways to change these behaviours is found in the use of “Sleep Talk”.  Sleep talk is where the parent reads a customised script to the child while they are asleep – repeating it over 5 nights.  The script is short, loving and caring, and impacts on their unconscious mind while they are asleep.  The result is usually an end to the problem behaviour, and an increase of confidence in the child. 

A recent case – a young 2 year old was biting people at the childcare centre, and at play with other children.  The parents also had a new baby to contend with and this newly emerging biting behaviour was causing a lot of stress, and a lot of irate caregivers and parents of the children this little chap was biting.

Putting any reasoning about the ‘why’ aside,  I created a personalised script and the parents were given the simple procedure to follow over the next 5 nights.  The result was that he stopped biting all together.  

Another case – a young girl had recently begun school and was soiling and wetting her pants as she didn’t want to use the school toilets.  A personalised script was created and the mother went about reading it to the daughter.  On the second day the girl, unprompted said to mum “I will be ok at school now mum, I can use the toilets.. I’m ok” and that was the end of it!  One night of the script had done the job.  A few months later the mother again approached me, and we created another script around taking risks, and having a go – the daughter was showing perfectionistic tendencies i.e. expecting to do something once and being great at it.  This script was also successful.  I also discussed with the mother how children model behaviour on parents fears and imprints, and suggested she work on her own self esteem so to model some great coping and learning strategies to her daughter.

I learned this process and modality from Sleep Talk, by Lois Haddad – and I recommend this book or you can contact me for personalised scripts for your child’s challenging behaviour. zoew@xtra.co.nz   Sleep Talk by Lois Haddad www.sleeptalk.net