Being Unpredictable, a very cool and useful tool I use with my children. Having lots of choices about the way I behave and react to situations allows for lots of fun and surprises when the children ask me for something. This means they can never tell exactly how I am going to react.. and they can’t manipulate the situation with sulking, greasing, and demanding. They can try tho’.
A few ways to respond : (Always begin with a one second deep breath…)
- If I am unsure about a decision I have to make I might say “Convince me”. If they give a measured and thoughtful answer, I may say yes with a few conditions. (Always have conditions!)
- If they are sulky and demanding, I say “Would you like the opportunity to say that again in a more useful way?” and then they can adjust their state and ask away again. If they continue to be demanding, sulky and dramatic, I ask them to go to their room, to cool down and come back when they are ready to talk to me in a reasonable way.
- If I don’t think something is a great idea, I may say “Hmmm that one is tricky…” and then give a good thoughtful answer, saying no in a gentle way, and allowing them to ask again at a better time, age, after exams.. whatever. I find closing doors with big “NO!’s” is not useful and may tempt them into rebelling.
- Another way is to ask how other parents are responding, what has been organised, what arrangements have been made for parental supervision etc BEFORE making any decisions. They can then go away and find out more so you can make a better decision with more facts. You can always phone a child’s friend’s parents to suss out how they are leaning.. sometimes it’s the first they have heard of it too!
- Do not get into habits of saying “NO!” to everything. They will then avoid asking, and will probably lie or go behind your back to do what they want to do. It is better to say “Yes” with some reasonable conditions and then they will be more open with you next time.
Why do I suggest you make some conditions? Conditions are useful boundaries, and set standards of behaviour for them to learn from. Children feel safer with boundaries. And..they can use them as excuses when they don’t want to do something with their friends.
Zoe Wilkinson
