How You Respond – Are You on Autopilot?

Some people respond very automatically, nearly all the time.  This automaticness is usually unconscious, ie. they do it unthinkingly.  Some automatically will say “NO” or give a “polar response” – (the natural opposite to what you are saying), or automatically give a counter example to something you say.

This metaprogramme is called the “Difference” metaprogramme, and is not in agreement with you.  However, because it is so automatic, it may not be a very authentic response on how they actually feel about something, but is more likely to be a habit or behavioural response. 

I noted this behaviour with my husband recently, when he automatically agreed with me then went on to give the other side of the story.  Very noble you may think.. a well balanced chap.  Hmmm.. but when I stopped and noticed this behaviour, I then asked.. yes, so with both sides to the story, which way do you lean or feel more inclined toward?  He didn’t know! He was so used to seeing both sides, he had not made a decision either way, and could not verbalise how he actually authentically felt about it.

And to make matters even more interesting he didn’t note to say “it depends”.  He just was so used to doing the both sides thing, that he was sitting on the fence. 

Hmmm… how automatic is your response? What do you really feel? What fits with your values and beliefs?  Or are you always on autopilot out of habit.

Zoe Wilkinson

How Much Fun Are You To Live With?

This is a great question to ask yourself on a regular basis.  In fact, it would make a great poster for the wall.  We could actually make it a bumper sticker – or put it on the Personalised plate surround!  This is as good to remember as Bandler’s 3 deadly sins any day.  I was delighted to hear from a client recently that they were making an extra effort to be more fun around the home and work, and this is impacting hugely on everyone! Huh, who would have thought!       

Who knew how influential your moods could be on your work and home life?  I equally hear about people who at work everyone walks on eggshells to keep them happy… Maybe they could do with their own personalised poster…  This saying has been made famous by the big Texan Dr Phil, and although I don’t like his “one size fits all” dispensing of psychological advice, he does come up with some doozies from time to time. 

Maybe a course in becoming a more interesting and fun person might be a great way to enliven this saying into the minds of those searching for enlightenment?  Underline the “lighten” bit and add “up”! if you get that joke, you are truly a great sage.  Humour is the best medicine in my book! Seriously, have more fun!

Zoe Wilkinson

Reframing Gone Mad!

Reframing is a great NLP skill, and used sparingly and well can be useful, helpful and healing.  Alas, I have come to find that some people who have learned about reframing can turn into “Reframe Monsters” all too easily, making a conversation into a reframe attack at every turn. 

Now imagine you want to have a nice chat and laugh with a friend, and instead of a friendly supportive shoulder to whinge* on, the person turns every comment you make into a desperate reframe of positivity.  That’s not to say being eternally positive isn’t really great…. but what it is really saying is that they aren’t listening to you, nor building rapport, nor really catering to your need for intimacy – they are trying too hard, and making a nasty habit out of inappropriate reframing.   

This is an unacceptable NLPer behaviour, as we all have been taught that rapport building, calibration, and meta model usage to gather more information make a more useful pathway prior to going to reframe!  Are you guilty of this habitual practice?

There are many reasons why some people use reframing all the time.. it could be that they only have one way of dealing with bad/sad/or uncomfortable news, others may be avoiding empathy or intimacy, or it could be a need to be “positive” and appear more “enlightened” than the whingee. It could be that they have forgotten the process prior to reframing.. It could be their unconscious metaprogramme of “difference” responding automatically to your negativity which does this! 

You know, often its not that the whingee can’t see the positive side to a situation themselves, its just they have a need to share and release stuff which is bothering them, no fixing or reframing required. (Guys – take note here.)

So check yourself, are you a reframe monster?  Does your personal Pollyanna style of seeing the positive side in every situation prevent you from being empathetic, warm, consoling or just a good friend or listener! 

Sometimes useful reframing is in the timing… so if you have been guilty of being a reframe monster,  hold off, listen attentively, nod appreciatively, agree empathetically, and after they have let the steam off…(calibrate this**)….then a wee reframe may be appropriate… to end your consolation or not.  It depends. (It always does!)

Zoe Wilkinson

 *whinge – NZ term for whine or moan about…

**calibrate – notice by looking at their physiological changes; colour, breathing rate, tone, posture, facial muscles etc.

Getting What You Want – Knowing Your Outcome

One of the biggest questions which comes out of the NLP models is “What do you want?”  If you come to see me for any anything, then that will be the first question I ask you.  It is something you could begin asking yourself more often.  What do I want?  Often this is interpreted as “what don’t I want” and can be distracting and a wee bit limiting,  but getting clear on what you actually want is a valuable place to begin.  An outcome is a desired state, something you don’t have in your present state. 

Outcomes are not the same as goals.  In NLP we say, “Who do I have to become to get what I want?”  This is very different from saying I want this or that.  Outcomes are different from goals and targets and objectives because they have been carefully considered and meet certain conditions that make them realistic, motivating and achievable.

Outcomes are not tasks. Outcomes are what you want and a task is what you need to do to achieve it.  Don’t begin the tasks until you are clear and have set your outcome.

E.g. If your goal is to make new friends.. then your outcome would be “I want to become a friendly interesting, likeable person who attracts friendly interesting people who I like and get on with”.  This would mean that you may have to change some of your behaviours, actions and where you hang out so you can attract the “desired type” of person.  Believing you are a nice person and hoping to attract nice people without actually doing anything to make it happen is less likely to succeed than being proactive and creating change in yourself and finding the opportunities for making the type of friends you want.  

For you to move from the present state to the desired state (outcome) may involve change! This is where the presupposition “for things to change – first, I must change” comes in. It is the journey from that unsatisfactory state to the desired state (outcome).  You will need resources to get to your desired state.  Here are nine questions you need to ask when working with outcomes.  These are called the “well formed conditions”. Once sorted your outcome will be realistic, achievable and motivating.  Use these for individual Outcomes. Start at 1 – do not leap to 9 until clear on 1-8.

1.  In the positive “What do I want”.  “To stop smoking” is a negative frame.  Use “to be smokefree and healthy” as a more positive outcome.
2. Evidence : How will you know you are succeeding or have succeeded?  How will you measure progress?  How will I know I have got there?
3. Specifics:  Where , when and with whom?  Where specifically do you want this outcome, what will you see, hear, smell, feel? What context?
4. Resources : What resources do you have?  List them – in five categories. Objects, people, Role models, Personal qualities, Money.
5. Control: Can you start and maintain this outcome?  Is it under your direct control? You can’t if it relies on others to make it happen – you may need to ask for help.
6. Ecology: What are the wider consequences?  Is there any cost to this opportunity? Who will be affected? Will you need to give up something to get your outcome. What do you want to keep from the present situation? What else can happen if you get your outcome? (Other consequences).
7. Identity: Is this outcome in keeping with who you are?  Does it clash with any of your values?
8. What prevents you from achieving this outcome?
9. Action Plan: First step – what do you begin with? What is the first step.

Getting clear on what you want and using these questions can help you get motivated, clear, and rework your outcome to fit your values, your desires, and your dreams.

Zoe Wilkinson

Resolution Mania

I have learned that some things just can’t be resolved.  Have you noticed how we work so hard to resolve problems issues and hassles in our lives… especially those around relationships?  What is it about wanting to “make nice”, or “make up” or “be friends” or “sort it out” that empowers us to make ourselves ill about it? What is it really which we are trying to resolve?

Could it be guilt over our behaviour or what we said? Is it about not wanting people to hate us? Is it that you always want to be seen as “doing the right thing?”, or you want justice? Is it based on the limiting belief that everyone must surely want to sort things out? Or is it that you have a sickness for resolving stuff.. even the irresolvable?  What beliefs, limiting or useful perpetuate this need to resolve stuff?  

I came across a great example of this recently, a woman I met was going on and on about how she had a bad relationship with her mother, and how her mother never really loved her, and how her mother never apologised for her behaviour…. You can fill in the blanks.. you get the drift.  Now on asking some useful questions around this, I found out that the woman’s mother had died years ago! The guilt, resentment and “irresolvedness” of this situation was still haunting this woman – when the focus of her problem had long passed.

She was using it as some sort of excuse for not being the person she could be.. if only my mother had.. if only we had sorted this out.. It became a blockage, and a huge internally created limitation on future possibilities. 

So how long should a person work on creating a solution?  Well that depends.. depends on how much aggro, sleepless nights, worry, and concern you want to invest in the issue.  Some people sort things out very fast, and others work for years before someone tells then “enough is enough”. Some never let it go.

Often we don’t see the impact of this obsession to resolve, on our immediate family and friends.  We think it is our problem and will not affect them.. Yeah right!  Remember the presupposition “you cannot not influence. – Everyone gets affected when you have your focus on such a negative issue.

There is a choice you can make to consciously decide to put down the burden, guilt, worry, resentment, chip, or log, and let it go.  Put it in the irresolvable pile, set fire to it, and watch it blow away.  Attaching a type of ritual, or celebration around it can also help.  It takes courage, and it takes fortitude.  This can be a real challenge to people whose metaprogramme leans towards completion! 

Not all things are resolvable, and holding on to hope that it magically will be, can create bitterness, illness, fear and often depression. A decision to let go can make all the difference.  You may need help to take that step.

Zoe Wilkinson

Note : Metaprogramme – An NLP Term for the unconscious filter of our perception.

The Enneagram – An Ancient Personality and Spiritual Growth Tool

Learning from the Enneagram

I learned a lot on a recent  course on the Enneagram.  I learned that this ancient personality model has still got relevance and insights to offer us in this day and new age. What surprised me the most was that what I thought my personality profile of the Enneagram would be – was completely wrong, and the one I scored most consistently for was actually a very good example of my behaviour most of the time.  It also gave me a snapshot of where I was in my personal growth, and self determined path to actualisation which I actively pursue.

While the Enneagram gives a useful personality model to work with, it also gives another more spiritual challenge to the person –  exposing their greatest Desires, fears, seeking, complaints, key defence mechanism, temptations, saving grace, patterns and also the major cognitive error of the type… all useful to know – and to have choice about in the search for a balance and peace.

Another aspect of the Enneagram is showing where people regress to in stress and where they grow to in security.  There are distinctions of each behaviours which show 9 levels from their greatest self actualisation to the most challenging baseness of the type – their destructiveness.  Knowing where you are at present can help you determine whether you want to change and grow, or whether you want to be stuck in a revolving door of unchanging and repeating behaviours.  The Enneagram aspires us to grow out of the mask of our personalities to be whatever we need to be whenever we need to be it.  (Behavioural Flexibility – being not yourself!)

I learned a whole new way of seeing myself in this model, some of it was re-enforcing my path to a more aware and free self and the model also identified some lovely traits and talents which I now acknowledge and accept.  I will continue my journey to better understand the Enneagram, and maybe soon, I will be able to take you on the start of that journey too.. one which gives yet another indepth, insightful challenge to us “to be better more often”.

Books to check out :  The Wisdom of the Enneagram – Riso/Hudson

Website : http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

I also suggest you utilise the tests online to get an idea of what type you may be.  Word of warning. You will have to be really ruthlessly honest in answering the questions. And remember there is so much more below the surface of the type.  You are this, and so much more! Working out the number is just the beginning.

Zoe Wilkinson