How You Respond – Are You on Autopilot?

Some people respond very automatically, nearly all the time.  This automaticness is usually unconscious, ie. they do it unthinkingly.  Some automatically will say “NO” or give a “polar response” – (the natural opposite to what you are saying), or automatically give a counter example to something you say.

This metaprogramme is called the “Difference” metaprogramme, and is not in agreement with you.  However, because it is so automatic, it may not be a very authentic response on how they actually feel about something, but is more likely to be a habit or behavioural response. 

I noted this behaviour with my husband recently, when he automatically agreed with me then went on to give the other side of the story.  Very noble you may think.. a well balanced chap.  Hmmm.. but when I stopped and noticed this behaviour, I then asked.. yes, so with both sides to the story, which way do you lean or feel more inclined toward?  He didn’t know! He was so used to seeing both sides, he had not made a decision either way, and could not verbalise how he actually authentically felt about it.

And to make matters even more interesting he didn’t note to say “it depends”.  He just was so used to doing the both sides thing, that he was sitting on the fence. 

Hmmm… how automatic is your response? What do you really feel? What fits with your values and beliefs?  Or are you always on autopilot out of habit.

Zoe Wilkinson

How Much Fun Are You To Live With?

This is a great question to ask yourself on a regular basis.  In fact, it would make a great poster for the wall.  We could actually make it a bumper sticker – or put it on the Personalised plate surround!  This is as good to remember as Bandler’s 3 deadly sins any day.  I was delighted to hear from a client recently that they were making an extra effort to be more fun around the home and work, and this is impacting hugely on everyone! Huh, who would have thought!       

Who knew how influential your moods could be on your work and home life?  I equally hear about people who at work everyone walks on eggshells to keep them happy… Maybe they could do with their own personalised poster…  This saying has been made famous by the big Texan Dr Phil, and although I don’t like his “one size fits all” dispensing of psychological advice, he does come up with some doozies from time to time. 

Maybe a course in becoming a more interesting and fun person might be a great way to enliven this saying into the minds of those searching for enlightenment?  Underline the “lighten” bit and add “up”! if you get that joke, you are truly a great sage.  Humour is the best medicine in my book! Seriously, have more fun!

Zoe Wilkinson

Reframing Gone Mad!

Reframing is a great NLP skill, and used sparingly and well can be useful, helpful and healing.  Alas, I have come to find that some people who have learned about reframing can turn into “Reframe Monsters” all too easily, making a conversation into a reframe attack at every turn. 

Now imagine you want to have a nice chat and laugh with a friend, and instead of a friendly supportive shoulder to whinge* on, the person turns every comment you make into a desperate reframe of positivity.  That’s not to say being eternally positive isn’t really great…. but what it is really saying is that they aren’t listening to you, nor building rapport, nor really catering to your need for intimacy – they are trying too hard, and making a nasty habit out of inappropriate reframing.   

This is an unacceptable NLPer behaviour, as we all have been taught that rapport building, calibration, and meta model usage to gather more information make a more useful pathway prior to going to reframe!  Are you guilty of this habitual practice?

There are many reasons why some people use reframing all the time.. it could be that they only have one way of dealing with bad/sad/or uncomfortable news, others may be avoiding empathy or intimacy, or it could be a need to be “positive” and appear more “enlightened” than the whingee. It could be that they have forgotten the process prior to reframing.. It could be their unconscious metaprogramme of “difference” responding automatically to your negativity which does this! 

You know, often its not that the whingee can’t see the positive side to a situation themselves, its just they have a need to share and release stuff which is bothering them, no fixing or reframing required. (Guys – take note here.)

So check yourself, are you a reframe monster?  Does your personal Pollyanna style of seeing the positive side in every situation prevent you from being empathetic, warm, consoling or just a good friend or listener! 

Sometimes useful reframing is in the timing… so if you have been guilty of being a reframe monster,  hold off, listen attentively, nod appreciatively, agree empathetically, and after they have let the steam off…(calibrate this**)….then a wee reframe may be appropriate… to end your consolation or not.  It depends. (It always does!)

Zoe Wilkinson

 *whinge – NZ term for whine or moan about…

**calibrate – notice by looking at their physiological changes; colour, breathing rate, tone, posture, facial muscles etc.

Getting What You Want – Knowing Your Outcome

One of the biggest questions which comes out of the NLP models is “What do you want?”  If you come to see me for any anything, then that will be the first question I ask you.  It is something you could begin asking yourself more often.  What do I want?  Often this is interpreted as “what don’t I want” and can be distracting and a wee bit limiting,  but getting clear on what you actually want is a valuable place to begin.  An outcome is a desired state, something you don’t have in your present state. 

Outcomes are not the same as goals.  In NLP we say, “Who do I have to become to get what I want?”  This is very different from saying I want this or that.  Outcomes are different from goals and targets and objectives because they have been carefully considered and meet certain conditions that make them realistic, motivating and achievable.

Outcomes are not tasks. Outcomes are what you want and a task is what you need to do to achieve it.  Don’t begin the tasks until you are clear and have set your outcome.

E.g. If your goal is to make new friends.. then your outcome would be “I want to become a friendly interesting, likeable person who attracts friendly interesting people who I like and get on with”.  This would mean that you may have to change some of your behaviours, actions and where you hang out so you can attract the “desired type” of person.  Believing you are a nice person and hoping to attract nice people without actually doing anything to make it happen is less likely to succeed than being proactive and creating change in yourself and finding the opportunities for making the type of friends you want.  

For you to move from the present state to the desired state (outcome) may involve change! This is where the presupposition “for things to change – first, I must change” comes in. It is the journey from that unsatisfactory state to the desired state (outcome).  You will need resources to get to your desired state.  Here are nine questions you need to ask when working with outcomes.  These are called the “well formed conditions”. Once sorted your outcome will be realistic, achievable and motivating.  Use these for individual Outcomes. Start at 1 – do not leap to 9 until clear on 1-8.

1.  In the positive “What do I want”.  “To stop smoking” is a negative frame.  Use “to be smokefree and healthy” as a more positive outcome.
2. Evidence : How will you know you are succeeding or have succeeded?  How will you measure progress?  How will I know I have got there?
3. Specifics:  Where , when and with whom?  Where specifically do you want this outcome, what will you see, hear, smell, feel? What context?
4. Resources : What resources do you have?  List them – in five categories. Objects, people, Role models, Personal qualities, Money.
5. Control: Can you start and maintain this outcome?  Is it under your direct control? You can’t if it relies on others to make it happen – you may need to ask for help.
6. Ecology: What are the wider consequences?  Is there any cost to this opportunity? Who will be affected? Will you need to give up something to get your outcome. What do you want to keep from the present situation? What else can happen if you get your outcome? (Other consequences).
7. Identity: Is this outcome in keeping with who you are?  Does it clash with any of your values?
8. What prevents you from achieving this outcome?
9. Action Plan: First step – what do you begin with? What is the first step.

Getting clear on what you want and using these questions can help you get motivated, clear, and rework your outcome to fit your values, your desires, and your dreams.

Zoe Wilkinson

The Enneagram – An Ancient Personality and Spiritual Growth Tool

Learning from the Enneagram

I learned a lot on a recent  course on the Enneagram.  I learned that this ancient personality model has still got relevance and insights to offer us in this day and new age. What surprised me the most was that what I thought my personality profile of the Enneagram would be – was completely wrong, and the one I scored most consistently for was actually a very good example of my behaviour most of the time.  It also gave me a snapshot of where I was in my personal growth, and self determined path to actualisation which I actively pursue.

While the Enneagram gives a useful personality model to work with, it also gives another more spiritual challenge to the person –  exposing their greatest Desires, fears, seeking, complaints, key defence mechanism, temptations, saving grace, patterns and also the major cognitive error of the type… all useful to know – and to have choice about in the search for a balance and peace.

Another aspect of the Enneagram is showing where people regress to in stress and where they grow to in security.  There are distinctions of each behaviours which show 9 levels from their greatest self actualisation to the most challenging baseness of the type – their destructiveness.  Knowing where you are at present can help you determine whether you want to change and grow, or whether you want to be stuck in a revolving door of unchanging and repeating behaviours.  The Enneagram aspires us to grow out of the mask of our personalities to be whatever we need to be whenever we need to be it.  (Behavioural Flexibility – being not yourself!)

I learned a whole new way of seeing myself in this model, some of it was re-enforcing my path to a more aware and free self and the model also identified some lovely traits and talents which I now acknowledge and accept.  I will continue my journey to better understand the Enneagram, and maybe soon, I will be able to take you on the start of that journey too.. one which gives yet another indepth, insightful challenge to us “to be better more often”.

Books to check out :  The Wisdom of the Enneagram – Riso/Hudson

Website : http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

I also suggest you utilise the tests online to get an idea of what type you may be.  Word of warning. You will have to be really ruthlessly honest in answering the questions. And remember there is so much more below the surface of the type.  You are this, and so much more! Working out the number is just the beginning.

Zoe Wilkinson 

Teaching Your Unconscious Mind to Work for You.

 A friend asked me recently how I manage to do so many things – and not appear to get stressed.  Good question… How do I do that?  Maybe I always have done lots of things.. maybe I suit it?  Or maybe I have learnt how to do lots.. easily.

Getting Your Unconscious Mind to Work for You.

A great way to manage lots of things to do is to prime your mind to work on them unconsciously for you when you are doing other things.. A bit like having a virtual assistant helping you each day.

If I have a list of deadlines.. I begin the work and then let it go for a while.  I might start a file and put down what is needed, some initial ideas and the deadline then close it for a few days.  An then not think about it.

 This way my unconscious mind can keep working on it while I am doing other things.. This way I come back to it with ideas and more clarity.

 This works because our unconscious mind likes to make sense of things, and behind the scenes will work on confusion, foggy thinking and ideas until some sense is made of it.  Coming back to things gives time for that to be sorted out.. and suddenly the floodgates can open and ideas can pour out. When stressing about ideas or needing clarity – walk away.. then come back later.

 Another Way of Looking At it….

I also love lots of variety, and I love interruptions.  So it appears that I am not stressed by these things.  It is all about learning what your personal programmes are – i.e. Your personality preferences and default positions and working to them. This decreases stress, increases pleasure and makes what we do flow better.  

So, if the opposite is happening in your life, and you are stressed by lots of variety, and hate interruptions, then maybe the job you are doing is not right for you… alternatively you can learn to move towards the other programme sort – by practicing it more.

These are the sort of things most of us don’t know about ourselves. How we see time, how we deal with change, how we filter information, what we naturally do and what we naturally don’t do.

Here is an example of how people filter information differently:

A group of friends and I go for coffee each week.  Sometimes someone comes in with a new haircut, or new glasses or new shoes or have just had their teeth whitened! .. and there are people who notice these things and those who don’t.  Those who do notice – have a natural propensity to notice difference.. first. Those who don’t notice changes have a natural default position of noticing sameness.  Neither is right or wrong. Its just the way it is.   

To expand the natural default position, takes intention and self awareness.

To learn more about these types of programmes, what makes you the individual you are, or to find other ways of doing things or saying things or seeing things then NLP (NeuroLinguistic Programming) courses can help with extending your experience.

Zoe Wilkinson is a Master Practitioner in NLP, Trainer, Coach and Therapist - and teaches NLP Classes at Tauranga Boys College, New Zealand each term.  In 2007 she was awarded an Exceptional Adult Educator Commendation for this work.  Contact Zoe on zoew@xtra.co.nz  

Gently Changing Children’s Behaviours – While they sleep!

One of the most frustrating things I hear about from parents – is the helplessness they feel when confronted with a small child’s challenging behaviour. It may be anything from a 2 year old biting people, a 7 year old sucking their thumb, a child new to school not using the bathroom… the list goes on. 

One of the most helpful, and gentle ways to change these behaviours is found in the use of “Sleep Talk”.  Sleep talk is where the parent reads a customised script to the child while they are asleep – repeating it over 5 nights.  The script is short, loving and caring, and impacts on their unconscious mind while they are asleep.  The result is usually an end to the problem behaviour, and an increase of confidence in the child. 

A recent case – a young 2 year old was biting people at the childcare centre, and at play with other children.  The parents also had a new baby to contend with and this newly emerging biting behaviour was causing a lot of stress, and a lot of irate caregivers and parents of the children this little chap was biting.

Putting any reasoning about the ‘why’ aside,  I created a personalised script and the parents were given the simple procedure to follow over the next 5 nights.  The result was that he stopped biting all together.  

Another case – a young girl had recently begun school and was soiling and wetting her pants as she didn’t want to use the school toilets.  A personalised script was created and the mother went about reading it to the daughter.  On the second day the girl, unprompted said to mum “I will be ok at school now mum, I can use the toilets.. I’m ok” and that was the end of it!  One night of the script had done the job.  A few months later the mother again approached me, and we created another script around taking risks, and having a go – the daughter was showing perfectionistic tendencies i.e. expecting to do something once and being great at it.  This script was also successful.  I also discussed with the mother how children model behaviour on parents fears and imprints, and suggested she work on her own self esteem so to model some great coping and learning strategies to her daughter.

I learned this process and modality from Sleep Talk, by Lois Haddad – and I recommend this book or you can contact me for personalised scripts for your child’s challenging behaviour. zoew@xtra.co.nz   Sleep Talk by Lois Haddad www.sleeptalk.net  

 

 

From Where I sit

Nothing like jumping headlong into the world of blogging… and not a moment too soon!

So what interests me? Observation and analysis of people, their language, behaviours and idosyncracies is what fascinates me! 

My key areas of application of these interests are in the area of NeuroLinguistic Programming (NLP) and Face Reading.  These two areas work especially well together to give insights into people, and makes them appear a lot more 3 dimentional.  Face Reading helps with seeing people deeper at a glance and then NLP kicks in when they open their mouths and reveal their beliefs, values and motivaions by their words.  Their consequent behaviours which either support or clash with their linguistic utterings are what makes it all so fascinating and useful.

Its not about judgement so much as analysis and awareness.  The very questions people ask you often will expose their biases, beliefs, and limitations – and this can useful as a therapist.   Learning NLP also helps develop a very interesting sense of linguistic humour!